Last updated on March 12, 2021
My husband and I dated for five years before we got married. Both our parents were still married, and we had lots of married friends. We didn’t have any divorced friends. When we separated after 4.5 years, I discovered a bunch of my friends were divorced and had never told me.
A divorce isn’t something most people broadcast. We feel like a failure. We feel ashamed we weren’t able to make it work. Family might resent us because they spent a lot of money to come to our wedding and give us a gift, and it was all for “nothing”. We worry our family and friends might think about us differently and possibly judge us because of their beliefs and expectations about love, marriage, and divorce.
Lots of my friends confessed they were sad about our divorce because they had held my husband and me as the standard of an ideal couple. We had disproven their idea that “perfect” love existed. People now felt free to tell me exactly what they thought of my former husband. I lost friends I thought were lifelong. People didn’t want to talk to me because they were embarrassed for me, or they didn’t know what to say.
Conversely, some people were excited to commiserate, because my failure helped confirm their negative beliefs about love, relationships, or the state of the world. After my divorce, some people I wasn’t previously close to took an interest in me. Some of them wanted to feel good about helping someone through a tough time, but some had other motives.
I found myself doing, saying, and thinking things that were totally unlike me. I cycled through the stages of grief over and over again: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I didn’t want to burden people with my feelings and held them inside with the occasional emotional outburst in my car. I cried constantly when I was alone.
I worried my experiences with my ex would contaminate my next relationship. I wondered if I could love or trust anyone again. I wondered why anyone gets married in the first place. What are the real benefits? Is it merely to save money on taxes? Is it protection for when the marriage inevitably ends?
So many people suffer silently, feeling alone and worried about judgment. And yet, it is such a relief when we can speak openly with someone about one of the most painful experiences of our life. I wish we all felt free to share our stories. Knowing there is recovery and growth on the other side gives people hope.
After my divorce, one of my good friends called me to let me know she broke up with her long-time fiancé. They had moved to Texas together, and things just weren’t working. She said the new life I was living inspired her to start over. A couple years later she married the man of her dreams and seems so happy now. I was so fulfilled that my painful experience could contribute to her happiness.
I am sharing my story, and the stories of my friends, in the hopes people will make a change: either they will be inspired to hold onto the relationship they have and make the changes they need to prevent a divorce, or they will see clearly how their current relationship is unable be repaired and take steps to move on.
At the very least, I am hoping we learn from each others’ experiences and create a supportive community free of judgement.